Vocalistics: Speaking Thoughtfully

One day I whispered "Do you need help?” to a little girl sitting at a table where people were concentrating, as she seemed frustrated with her puzzle. In response, she shouted, "I need privacy!" I was impressed that she had successfully learned the words for asking to be alone, but she he hadn’t quite mastered quite the appropriate tone. Learning to modulate one’s voice for different kinds of interactions is challenging, even for adults.

In fact, many of the misunderstandings between people at every age occur not because of their words but because of their lack of skill with tone of voice. Research shows that people pay more attention to tone of voice and body language than the actual words spoken during communication. If you’ve ever realized from someone else’s reaction that your tone of voice is sounding harsh, you know how tricky being aware of how we sound can be. The technical term for using one’s voice skillfully in social situations is "vocalistics."

When it comes to children’s voices, adults often struggle with trying to find ways to help them modulate them, like using the terms “inside voice” and “outside voice” and indicating what settings are appropriate for their use.

There is actually a popular play-based commercial program that teaches children social-emotional communication tools. Kimochis, based on the Japanese word for feelings, is a social-emotional learning program that includes effective methods of teaching children how to use their voices in ways that help them play and problem-solve with others in happy ways.

The program was developed by Nina Rappaport Rowan, the executive producer of Despicable Me. Rowan collaborated with Ellen Pritchard Dodge, a speech-language pathologist, to develop a curriculum focused on five competencies: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision-making.

One of the many subtle awarenesses Kimochis teaches children is the use of three different tones of voice: the “talking” voice, the “fighting” voice, and the “serious” voice. Kimochis teaches children to switch from using a fighting voice to a talking voice in order to problem-solve effectively with a friend. “I would like to be use the bike when you’re done.”

Children learn that an agitated tone of voice can make a problem bigger. A fighting voice might use yelling, hurtful words, and intense body language to express big feelings. The talking voice has calm, respectful tone and uses “I feel …” statements. Kimochis encourages children to repair hurts by shifting to talking voice.

The program also teaches children to use the third tone, the “serious voice,” when they really need to get a point across and the other person may not be listening. When a child is very angry about a transgression like having a classmate take something from them, they use a serious tone by slowing down their words and speaking very deliberately. “I need my pencil back!” Parents and teachers can learn more about Kimochis online.

Of course, children also learn about vocalistics by listening to the way adults communicate. One day a preschool boy surprised his classmates by shouting, “How dare you disobey me!” This was probably a phrase he heard from a frustrated adult. Adults provide helpful role modeling when they talk about their awareness that they were just using an angry tone and show how they are adjusting their tone, especially when they apologize for sounding harsh.

We can be more compassionate with children by realizing how difficult it is for us to be continually aware of the way we speak. Actors spend years studying how to express nuance through their voices, an art few would say they ever master. Let’s offer positive recognition to children for using a talking voice even when they are upset, or adjusting their speaking when they are given feedback that they are too loud. We are all learning the fine art of communicating in supportive, loving ways together.