When my dad yelled “Calm down!” he didn't mean “Find a quiet place within yourself” or “Breathe deeply.” “Calm down!” was his code for “Stop!” and “Do what I'm saying.” My dad grew up before the phrase “stressed out” came into being. Mostly when he yelled “Calm down!” he was asking my brother, sister, and me for some quiet. He wasn’t worried about our stress, but he did want us to be happy and interact harmoniously together.
In the last decades, our knowledge of stress and helping our children calm and relax has increased exponentially. In addition, we know that our child’s ability to stay calm begins with us, and that our emotional and physiological states are not separate from our child’s.
The first step is always to quiet ourselves, mentally and physically. The concept of quiet is actually significant. A mom told me recently how she has worked on calming herself in the morning and creating an atmosphere of quiet while she and her child are getting ready for school. She has learned the value of staying relaxed and talking less during morning preparations.
Previously she would get into a stressed state thinking they might be late for school and find herself expressing a constant stream of reminders. “Did you get your homework?” “Do you have your water bottle?” Her worried tone of voice made their mornings like an unhappy race to the finish line.
Realizing that their mornings were stressful for both of them, she changed her modus operandi. Now she is trying to stay in the moment rather than talking about what’s going to happen at school. If her daughter is worried and wants to talk to her about something she’s worried might happen that day, she stops and takes time to listen. She encourages her daughter to breathe and tell herself, “It’s going to be a good day!” By concentrating on relaxation and quiet calm as priorities, she feels like their mornings have been transformed.
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