Adults are often chagrined by the sensory habits children form to release tension. Few adults suck their thumbs or hold a favorite blanket during a business meeting—though some might still bite their nails. Adults’ ways of releasing tension range from running marathons to meditating to sipping mimosas, all culturally accepted approaches to unwinding.
None of these activities seems developmentally appropriate for children, though exercise helps at every age. However, some adults engage in tension-release activities that might work for children, like squeezing a ball, manipulating beads, or sorting laundry. Rhythmic activity like sorting is soothing at every age.
It's only in recent years that adults have realized that children suck their fingers or twirl their hair as a tension outlet. Once, these self-soothing techniques were viewed as naughty habits, behaviors that called for shaming or punishment.
Renowned psychiatrist and author Alice Miller wrote about a real-life shaming she witnessed while hiking in a German forest. It was before Christmas, and children were gathered to meet Father Christmas in happy anticipation of his benevolence. Miller was horrified to hear mothers derisively complaining about their children in front of the group, saying things like “Johnny was a bad boy. He sucked his thumb all year."
Where does a child turn when his protector tattles on him for trying to soothe himself? Miller stepped forward and defended the little boy, even though she was just passing by, declaring that he would know when he was ready to stop sucking his thumb.
In their informative book, Child Behavior, based on the Gesell Institute’s studies in child development, Louise Ames, PhD, and Frances Ilg, MD, discuss the wisdom of being careful about abruptly cutting a child off from habits that release tension.
In preschool we have occasionally observed dramatic reactions when children were pressured to give up a pacifier or favorite soothing object, even in a positive way. Ames and Ilg offer an insightful analysis of thumb sucking and other self-soothing habits. They reassure parents that finger sucking has a natural cycle and cessation, usually before permanent teeth arrive.
Their book offers suggestions for those who want to gradually substitute other kinds of soothing. Demanding that a child stop self-soothing behaviors puts them in a difficult position and may cause shame. Could we suddenly give up a nervous habit? Paying a lot of attention to habits we would prefer children give up actually amplifies them. Children give up babyish behaviors as they notice that their peers are coping in other ways.
If we want to urge our children to grow into more mature behaviors, we can notice when those behaviors are occurring and notice how grown-up they seem. “I see you’re not sucking your thumb while you’re reading. You’re really growing up.” It’s nice if we think about how we gave up nervous habits as a child and learned to self-soothe in new ways.
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