The Joy of Becoming

Chris Cameron likes to speak at Room 1’s end-of-the-year class parties about how long each child who is graduating to kindergarten has been in his class. The discussion is always inclusive, citing the preschool room each child was in previously. Chris remembers and mentions the tenure of the children’s siblings and asks alumni parents how long they estimate that they’ve been coming to The Meher Schools. One mom called out sixteen years.

Chris shares some of the five-year-olds’ career plans: the ambitious boy who dreams of becoming both an astronaut and Formula 1 race car driver, a girl wants to be a teacher. Preschoolers’ plans for future careers often have little to do with practicality but a lot to do with their budding identities.

At Meher School’s fifth grade graduation, some of the same themes are explored, where the unique qualities and aspirations of each student are celebrated, often through an original poem. Both graduations mark a check point, an opportunity to glimpse the unfolding of a child’s self at a turning point in their educational lives. We know from speaking with countless students that a vital part of our students’ self-development has percolated in a vital relationship with the diverse terrains that make up the Meher Schools’ physical campus.

From an early age, central aspects of children’s social and emotional development emerge through their relationships with the physical world. In our school, preschoolers learn through their senses about who they are as they ride trikes in the play yards and explore the manzanita forest and butterflies in the Children’s Garden. Elementary students develop fantasies of who they will become hiding in the kindergarten bushes, working in the Seven Circles Garden, and playing ball on the big playground.

Our alumni tell us about the rush of memories they feel when they walk around on a visit, and their conviction that the currents of the earth, on this hidden hillside in Lafayette, have provided special nourishment for their growth.

There is a legacy of joy from people who have walked and played here for decades. Next year will be our 50th anniversary, and we are continually grateful for the 47 years we have had at our current location, where everything—flowers, vegetables, Seven Circles animals, children, and staff—vibrate with all they are becoming.

Fostering “Eating Competence”

“I’m always worried that my child isn’t getting enough nutrition. He will only eat certain foods and often leaves half his lunch.” Eating issues can be worrisome for parents—a child who doesn’t eat lunch, a picky eater, a child who only eats white foods or demands sweets.

When there are concerns and struggles over food, it’s easy to forget one of the most important components of children getting the vital nourishment they need from what they eat—the connection of food with free-flowing love.

In our culture, with competing diets and changing assertions about which foods are bad for us and good for us, it’s easy to forget about the importance of associating eating with happiness and well-being, rather than worry and restriction.

Can you remember times as a child when eating brought a sense of comfort and love? I remember that when our family ate ravioli or my mother’s incredible potato salad, my siblings and I rarely argued. Think about the nourishment provided by meals you have had that were specially prepared and served with love.

Sometimes the pressure to ensure our children eats “healthy foods” can make us forget what it’s like to be a child—how strange new foods can taste, how coercion to eat certain foods makes us resist them. It’s important for parents to act as if that they think children can make good choices when it comes to eating and view children’s explorations of food as a learning experience. It’s normal to have food preferences, and we feel validated when people notice our favorite foods and honor our aversions to certain textures and tastes. Our individual predilections for food reflect our genetic make-up and neurodiversity.

Dietician and family therapist Ellyn Satter has developed the term “eating competence” to describes children’s abilities to develop a joyful, positive relationship with food. She urges parents to believe that a child knows how much they need to eat and will eventually learn to eat food the family enjoys. We want to trust that children will eat at their own pace, some days a lot, others not so much, but they will determine how hungry they are.

It’s important for children to learn to tune in to the way their bodies feel—when they are hungry or when they are full. With eating disorders on the rise in adolescents, an emphasis on feeling happy with food and with one’s own body is the best prevention for later ills.

It's nice to replace worry about food with a focus on making meal times and discussions about food happy and enjoyable. There are many resources online and in person, to help parents make healthy eating a stress-free topic and mealtimes convivial and fun.

Here are two resources you might find helpful:

Kids Eat In Color is an online program for “parents of picky children who want to reduce stress and get their children on the road to eating more foods.”

Nutritionist and family therapist Ellyn Satter’s “Eating Competence” model is about “being positive, comfortable, and flexible with eating as well as matter-of-fact and reliable about getting enough to eat of personally enjoyable, nourishing food.”

A Time to Review, Reflect, Reassure

What will the next thing be like? When our children are about to make a transition, it’s natural to want to talk to them about the positive ways their lives will change. Culturally, we tend to view this as a form of reassurance. Yet imagining the future prematurely can make children feel anxious and cause them to regress in surprising ways.

The period before a change is actually a perfect time to talk about the past and review a children’s growth and accomplishments, especially over the past year. Adults  are children’s historians, the ones who help them build an autobiography. Psychologists note that one of the ways children construct their sense of who they are is through reminiscence of previous events in their lives.

In a practical way, hearing about their accomplishments bolsters children’s self-esteem for the next steps they’ll be taking. Reflecting on what we've done well balances out the human tendency to look ahead with trepidation. “When you started kindergarten, you didn’t know all the sounds of the letters. Now look how much you know!” “You’ve gained so many amazing writing skills in first grade!” Children’s progress can be recorded in scrapbooks of work, an album of photos (“Look how big you are now!”) or as a springboard for talking together about memories.

Perhaps most importantly, parents and teachers can chronicle the ways they've handled challenges in the past. “Remember when you didn't know anyone in your class? Look how many friends you have now!” It helps to stay aware that children wonder if they're capable of handling the next challenge, even if they deny it. Looking at evidence of past growth (rather than lecturing on how well they're going to do) fills their cups with the taste of past glory—and propels their confidence that they can handle life.

The basis for supporting children through change is believing they will do well, and talking about all their growth and success reminds us of that reality.