Tuning in to the Backstory

Arriving at school, a four-year-old has an unpleasant surprise. She reaches in her jacket pocket for her mask, but pulls out only a wrinkled white one, not the one she was counting on. “On no, you really wanted the strawberry mask, didn’t you?” her father asks. She nods, frozen in place, tears in her eyes.

Dad looks closely at her and says, “We have other sad things going on. Mom is away, and you didn’t get to see her at breakfast.” He then made a surprising decision.” Let’s run home and get your strawberry mask.” Since they live in the neighborhood, they return in five minutes, looking happy and ready to meet the day.

Many of us might be too rushed or live too far away to undertake such a course correction in the day, but we can all, parents and teachers, learn to understand the backdrop of children’s feelings, and how we can be of help.

Sometimes giving in is the exact opposite of what’s most helpful to the child or those around her. Going along with a tantrum or demands simply teaches a child to feel entitled and repeat the behavior. Yet there is always a backstory, and it’s our job as adults to understand the effect of events in a child’s life, on their terms, not ours, and try to find significant ways to support them.

The best way to walk the tightrope of balancing what matters in a child’s life with everyday demands is to travel back into our own childhood perceptions. Can you remember an adult tuning into your feelings, showing empathy, and offering support? That person isn’t always a parent.

Telling teachers when something is impacting a child’s life allows them to help the child in meaningful ways and supports our underlying sense that we are unified in our efforts to treat children with compassion and respect. As one adult said to me recently, “I’d be upset if I didn’t have the mask I planned on too.”

Validating Children's Feelings

“I’m sad my friend played with someone else the whole time after lunch.”

Once up a time, best practices for raising a happy child meant distracting them from negative feelings like sadness, disappointment, and frustration, and even convincing them that they aren’t seeing a situation correctly. “You don’t need to feel sad, just find someone else to play with.” Our historical understanding is that giving credence to feelings makes them worse.

Now decades of research have shown us the opposite is true. Children whose feelings have been noticed and validated are better able to manage their inner life and their outward behavior. The process of helping children to name, understand, and express their feelings is called emotional coaching.

Landmark research by award-winning psychologist and author Dr. John Gottman (The Heart of Parenting) has shown us that a child who has received emotional coaching is better able to handle stress and less apt to bully or be bullied by others. They are less likely to fall into depression and engage in self-harm.

Children’s emotions are more all-consuming than adults’ and feel like they will last forever. To us the reasons they get upset seem silly. Yet the simple act of helping a child to label her feelings reduces their power in the amygdala and helps the energy to pass out of the body. When children’s feelings are noticed, talked about, and, most importantly, validated, they grow in their abilities to self-regulate and communicate successfully with others.

This process often seems counterintuitive, especially in a discipline situation. Who wants to validate a child’s feelings about not wanting to leave the park when it’s time to go? Yet in that moment, showing that we understand – “I know you love playing here and have big feelings about going” – only takes a moment before we set a time limit and offer positive recognition for complying when they walk toward the car. “You don’t want to leave, but you’re really cooperating. That shows maturity.”

Noticing and empathizing with children’s feelings when they are low intensity builds connection and helps them not to get stuck in negative patterns like throwing tantrums. If we empathize, they will learn more compassion toward themselves and those around them.

Watch this touching,inspiring short video by Dr. Gottman and his wife, Dr. Julie Gottman, talking about emotional coaching and intelligence.

Help for Haitian Immigrant Mother and Son

GoFundMe Site Supports Refugees Taken In by Meher Schools Family

Haylene Anesoir, the mother of Pearla in first grade and Marielle in preschool, has contributed to our community in vital ways since she came to the school four years ago. Haylene is a pediatrician who has volunteered as a substitute in our preschool any time we’ve asked on her one weekday off. She has been part of our Equity and Inclusion Committee and participated in our book group last year.

Haylene’s husband, Pierre, who is from Haiti, is an iron worker, most recently working nights on the Golden Gate Bridge. They help support his family in Haiti.

Recently they were surprised by a call from a detention center in Texas, informing them that Pierre’s niece, Maryse, had arrived in the U.S. as a refugee and knew no one else in the country. Within days 26-year-old Maryse and her four-year-old son, Damian, arrived to live with them.

Maryse and Damian had been traveling by foot across Central and South America for two months, living under bridges with little or nothing to eat. Both are emaciated. Haylene and Pierre are working to get them medical care and connect them with immigration resources.

Learning of their situation, two Meher Schools parents established a GoFundMe site for the family. Maryse and Damian’s “perseverance and resilience in the midst of many obstacles is nothing short of miraculous and speaks to their amazing human spirit,” the site notes.

“We are hoping to be able to come together as friends, neighbors, and parents to help offset some of the costs for this wonderful and generous family.”

Funds raised through the campaign will also be used to arrange safe passage for the rest of Pierre’s family from strife-torn Haiti to a more secure location.

Click here to learn more and to contribute.