Take Time to Be Silly

SEVERAL SECONDS OF SILLINESS can transform a difficult moment with a child, and taking time for humor helps us all remember to try to approach life lightly, to worry less.

Laughing releases dopamine in the brain and has been shown to improve our immune systems. It helps us put upsetting situations into manageable perspective. Witness the countless jokes online about trying to balance working at home while caring for children during a pandemic. Non-sarcastic humor also strengthens our relationships. When we laugh with someone, tension is released and our energies unite. Laughing is also a way to make children feel instantly safe and secure.

One day I walked a new child into a large, busy preschool class. Instead of the boy introducing himself to a little girl, the teacher placed a paper plate on his head and said, “This isn’t a plate, it’s a hat.” The child was still holding my hand but immediately giggled and relaxed. An adult who can act silly sends the message “I am safe and available to you.”

When we are tired of reminding a child to do something, we can transform the way we communicate. Try singing the message instead of saying it – “Time to get dressed” – rather than saying it, or explore using a weird voice. Wear a funny hat or glasses when delivering a serious message like “No TV until your room is cleaned up.” Create funny signs, like a note next to a hamster that says, “Please feed me, I’m hungry.”

When tension is mounting because child wants something they can’t have, rather than repeating all the reasons it won’t work, join with their desire by granting the wish in a funny fantasy. “I wish you could have ice cream right now. I wish you could eat a whole mountain of ice cream with chocolate sauce on top.”

Jokes awaken convivial feeling, and they teach intellectual acuity. Even young children can learn knock-knock jokes: “Knock, Knock.” “Who’s there?” “Dwayne.” “Dwayne who?” “Dwayne the bathtub.”

Collect jokes you can tell to connect with children while driving in the car or at dinner time. “What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?” “A stick.”

When we focus on finding something to laugh about during our busy everyday events, we actually create a new kind of space in our lives. Humorous moments are little oases of refuge, and when visited regularly, they nurture joy.

Learning Practical Life Skills

My daughter’s college roommate had no idea how to operate a washing machine and commuted home her whole first year to have her mom do her laundry. She also picked up home-cooked meals because she wasn’t used to choosing her own food. Although she was highly accomplished academically, her lack of self-sufficiency affected her self-esteem. Her experience isn’t as unusual as it sounds.

The idea that practical life skills are a central part of the maturing process, and that there are sensitive periods for learning them, isn’t widely understood in our society. A preschooler loves learning to sweep, and an eight-year-old can feel delight in doing laundry because the activity makes them feel more grown-up. Coaching children through these activities can be time consuming, but catching them during the period of readiness creates the underlying feeling “I can make my way in the world.”

Our lives are overflowing with demands, and it can be difficult to find time for the process of breaking simple tasks like making a bed or doing their own laundry into steps. It’s also challenging to know what we can expect of a child at any given stage of development, since American society no longer places importance on children doing chores. Children around the world typically do much more to help around the house than children in our country and tend to reach a stage of full self-sufficiency by the time they are in their teens.

Luckily, there are many sources that can guide us in our expectations of what children can learn to do. See, for example, Spruce Age-Appropriate Chores for Kids Ages 2–18.

Giving children positive recognition when they are motivated to help and want to try to do things for themselves encourages them to see helping and caring for things as important. Families that work together doing chores, even when there is resistance, energize their children for full capability in the future.

Making Rules That Work

“No jumping on guitars!”

At age four, my daughter shouted this warning when a preschool visitor started leaping over our guitar. Her spontaneous rule might sound silly, but the foundation for changing difficult behavior is often establishing clear guidelines, sometimes even in the moment.

Discussions with children about agreed-on rules and the consequences for breaking them can transform many problematic situations in satisfying ways. Having clear rules also prevents power struggles. (“I know it’s hard, but it’s the rule.”)

Having a few standard rules is important at home, on the playground, or riding in the car (“No undoing seatbelts”). New rules are often needed when an issue crops up or becomes a habit. For example, “No kissing” isn’t a traditional kindergarten rule at our school, but it sometimes needs to be instituted and talked about – probably in the spring.

To set a new rule, call a discussion about the situation that needs to be remedied. You might say to very young children, “People have been biting each other instead of talking about their feelings when they’re upset.” Our new rule is “No biting,” and if someone bites (or physically hurts) someone, their toys will be taken away or they will lose a privilege.

Positive recognition for following rules is always the key to effectiveness. (“You said you were angry, and you didn’t bite!”) It’s okay to remind children of a rule when it’s being broken, but that’s not the time to discuss the reasons for the guideline. A reset and a consequence need to be implemented with only a few words and matter-of-fact energy.

Children can be allowed to suggest rules (“No taking any of my things without permission”), and doing so gives them practice in setting boundaries.

The best rules are mission-driven – they reflect the core values of the family, the classroom, or the school. The Meher Schools has always highlighted the simple rule of “No put-downs,” stemming from our values of compassion, kindness, and inclusion. Some of our preschool rooms have also instituted a thought-provoking rule, “No hurting someone’s heart,” and the children have enjoyed talking about all the actions that might make someone else feel bad. This could be a helpful practice for us all to explore.