Discovering Children's “Unique Note”

“WHO DO YOUR THINK YOU ARE?” That’s a question that Caroline McHugh asks CEOs, politicians, ballet dancers, musicians, and countless others who attend her life-changing workshop, The Art of Being Yourself. People all over the world hire McHugh to help them become the best version of themselves.

She starts by asking attendees, “What were you like at the age of three or four, before you started comparing yourself to others?” “What did you love to do before you learned to be hesitant because you thought someone else could do something better than you?” Picture the brave little Ukrainian girl singing “Let It Go” in a bomb shelter.

Often we get developmental milestones wrong. The age a child learns to talk, walk, potty train, and even read will have little significance as they grow into adulthood, but the question of whether they develop a strong sense of self will greatly affect their lives. Young people who grow up worrying about what other people think of them are at risk for being easily influenced and, more importantly, never discovering their true passion, or what McHugh calls their “unique note.”

The first step in helping children construct a sturdy sense of self is avoiding using comparisons with others as a motivator or guide. (“Johnny is really a good soccer player because he practices.”) As adults our job is to reflect their interests. (“You love ice skating.”)

Children also develop a sense of who they are when we take time to validate their feelings (“You get frustrated your project is interrupted.”), help them notice their body sensations (“What’s your body telling you right now?”), and pay attention to their likes and dislikes (“You like to get out and run.”).

Perhaps most importantly, we aid children in their self-discovery journey by praising them for trying things even when they might not be immediately in the eyes of others – an approach to learning called the growth mindset, richly employed in our preschool and elementary programs.

At The Meher Schools, we cherish each child’s emerging sense of self, and one of the most delightful parts of our culminating graduation program has always been celebrating each graduate’s uniqueness, often through a poem written especially for them.

I am reminded of my granddaughter’s complaints that a boy in her class said he was the fastest runner. I said, “Maybe, you’re the fastest,” and she said, “No, he’s faster.” However, she loves to run, and I don’t want her to give up on taking joy in her speed because of comparison.

We're Teaming Up with WPE to Aid Ukraine Refugees

The Meher Schools is partnering with White Pony Express (WPE) to collect medications and non-perishable food to aid the more than two million civilians who have fled Ukraine since the Russian invasion began. The United Nations estimates the refugee figure could reach as high as four million.

WPE will ship donated items to trusted organizations serving the refugees streaming into Poland, Romania, Slovakia, and other neighboring countries.

WPE Executive Director (and Meher School mother) Eve Birge says, “Our work is to give all we can, in all the ways we can, to all the people we can. With the support of our community, we can provide essential items for our friends from Ukraine who are in desperate need. There is enough abundance in our county to make a significant contribution to this effort.”

We’ll be collecting first aid supplies at school. (See below for information about donating food.) WPE also needs many volunteers to help with various aspects of the campaign. See below for details.

What We’re Collecting at School

Please leave donations outside the co-principals’ office, which is off the admin parking lot. (Please park in the lower lot or on the street.)

Medical Kits

WPE will be providing medical kits consisting of these items. It’s okay to donate parts of a kit. WPE will assemble kits from individually donated items.

• 4 large and extra-large vinyl gloves

• 2 extra-large surgical dressings or maxi-pads

• 4 butterfly closures or sterile strips

• 6 heavy-duty Band-Aids

• 3 large 4-x-4-inch gauze pads

• 1 tube or a couple of packets of triple-antibiotic ointment

• 1 self-adhering bandage (like Coban wrap) or elastic bandage wrap (like ace wrap)

• 1 cotton bandage roll or gauze roll
  

First Aid Supplies

Pain: Advil, Aleve, Tylenol, Arnica (topical), Excedrin (tension headache), Bayer Headache

Allergies/hay fever: Zyrtec, Allegra, Claritin, Benadryl

Flu-like symptoms: Oscillococcinum, Sudafed

Rash, burns, cuts, and scrapes: Cortisone-10, Desitin (diaper rash), antibiotic ointment, Polysporin ointment, Antiseptic Skin Cleanser (CVS)

Diarrhea: Immodium or generic loperamide, Pepto Bismol (liquid or pills)

Constipation: Dulcolax tablets, Dulcolax suppositories, stool softener, generic Lactulose, magnesium citrate

Nausea/heartburn: Dramamine, Nexium 24-Hour OTC, Pepcid OTC, Rolaids, Mylanta, Prilosec OTC

Wound dressing/injury: Large sterile pads, elastic wraps for sprained ankles, Steri-Strips, zinc wound wash, gauze pads (small and large), gauze bandage rolls, ace ankle bandages, Bite & Sting Relief Wipes (CVS), alcohol wipes

* * *

Food Donations

Nonperishable food donations can be dropped off at WPE’s distribution center in Pleasant Hill, 3380 Vincent Rd #107, seven days a week, between 8:00 a.m. and 4:00 p.m. No appointment is necessary.

Volunteers Needed

WPE will welcome new volunteers to help host food and clothing drives, work to raise funds to purchase boxes and pay for shipping, and help sort, package, and label boxes. Eve Birge notes, “At WPE, the loving way our volunteers handle, pack, and deliver items is vitally important, as it conveys our respect and love for those we serve. If ever there was a time for these refugees to feel loved, respected, and cared for, it is now.”

To volunteer, visit the WPE website (https://www.whiteponyexpress.org/volunteer) or email volunteer@whiteponyexpress.org.

Changing Unwanted Behavior

Why would you do that? What were you thinking? What did I just tell you? Are you trying to upset me? How many times do I have to tell you? What’s going on in your head? Would it ever occur to you to help me? Is that what you’re wearing? How can you be so irresponsible? What’s the matter with you?

Try asking yourself these questions. Do you feel like answering or defending yourself? Historically, questions like these have been considered a good way to grab another person’s attention, at any age, and get them to stop doing whatever we find objectionable. It’s hard not to burst out with feeling when we see upsetting behavior. However, you may remember from your childhood that queries like these, no matter how forcefully expressed, don’t change our hearts or our desire to continue what we’re doing. They are referred to in psychology as a harsh start-up.

Luckily, we have psychologists who have shown us a more productive way to inspire children to listen and change course. Child psychologist Dr. Haim Ginott, author of Between Parent and Child, urges people ease into tricky interactions with a statement of understanding. (“I see you’re having fun, but we need to leave in five minutes.”)

In How to Talk So Children Will Listen and Listen So Children Will Talk, Ginott’s students Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish offer effective techniques to connect meaningfully with children and change unwanted behavior. They suggest saying what we see. (“I see clothes on the floor” rather than “Why haven’t you cleaned up your room all week?”)

In Transforming the Difficult Child, psychotherapist Howard Glasser suggests giving intensity to the positive rather than misbehavior and setting limits by simply saying “Reset!” in a way that doesn’t provoke defensiveness.

The common theme in all these resources is helping us remember that the key to good communication is going around a person’s defenses, preserving their self-respect, and finding a way to maintain loving connection.