There are many reasons people love to crochet. That crocheting animals involves engineering and math is probably not high on most people’s list, but it is on Christie Vinson’s. Christie is one of our fourth grade teachers (she teaches math, among other subjects). She’s been crocheting bags and hats for two years but decided to try stuffed animals over the winter break. “I learned how to read patterns so I could make more complicated projects. I love that adjusting the sizes of the animals involves a lot of engineering and math. I can shape the project in so many ways to create exactly the look I want.” The animals, she says, “can take a long time and have a lot of separate parts, but it’s very satisfying to see the final product take shape.” Recently she began selling her creations through her new Etsy store, Christie’sCritters.
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“SAY YOU’RE SORRY.”
Adults often insist on children making apologies, thinking that having to say “sorry” is part of learning not to repeat a transgression. Forced apologies don’t usually improve behavior, and if you’ve ever been the recipient of a reluctant apology, you know it’s not a heart-warming experience.
Although teachers may ask children if they would like to say “sorry” after hurting someone physically or emotionally, our policy is not to force verbal apologies at our school. Telling children they have to say “sorry” when they’re not causes resentments.
However, we do want children to repair their hurtful actions. One way we encourage students to make amends is to ask them to write a note and decorate it with their art. (Parents and teachers can help preschoolers dictate the words.) We have found that the process of writing often stimulates the mind, and allows reflection and sometimes regret. It’s the artistic element, creating a drawing for someone, that almost always engages the heart.
Of course, before even approaching the issue of apology, it’s imperative for children to stop injurious activity and try to reset their body and state of mind. Teachers often implement a consequence, without giving any negative energy to the situation. It might be leaving a game, rebuilding materials the child has knocked down, or listening to the other person’s feelings and perspective. Doing something for the injured party, even if it’s just hearing their feelings, helps both people to repair. In the world, this is called restorative justice.
As adults we also want to acknowledge that apologizing without defending our actions is hard at any age. Expressing doubt about their sincerity by asking questions like “Do you really mean it?” works against their abilities to actually feel remorse. When a child spits out the word “sorry,” we can ask, “Do you want to say more?” “Do you want to draw a picture about it?”
Recently a third grade girl wrote a letter apologizing to Vince d’Assis, one of our co-principals. It turned into a poem and artistic rendering. The last few lines reveal how deeply she thought about what had happened and how important Vince’s non-reactive response was in allowing her to feel safe sharing her feelings:
It came like a sudden wave.
Anger washed part-over.
So I’m glad the kindness you gave
Gave me a chance to start over.
“WE ENCOURAGE YOU TO TALK ABOUT how brave and special our daughter is.”
These words are part of a recent note to Room 4 families from Jenna and Richard, the parents of a new child in the class. Their message explains that their daughter has been in treatment for acute lymphocytic leukemia and asks families to be mindful of about sending children to school with illnesses.
It’s touching that this two-year-old’s parents want to introduce her to her new friends as brave, rather than just asking them to be compassionate about her illness. Their message highlights the question of how we awaken and celebrate courage in children and introduces an important answer: we start by noticing the ways they are brave and talking to them about what courage really means.
In this era of idolizing superheroes, children’s idea of what courage is can be full of distortions. Children believe that superheroes are invincible and never afraid. Their fearlessness is epic and tends to be aggressive, even if directed toward helping others. We don’t allow superhero play in our preschool because it inevitably leads to fighting and hurting.
It’s important for adults and children to discuss what bravery is really like in everyday life. How does it feel? Often people do things that require courage, like being honest, giving a report in front of a class, or even for a young child to say good-bye to a parent at the preschool door.
Telling stories that highlight the ability to be courageous provides important role models. It’s also important to look for times when children are being brave and point them out. We don’t want to push children to ignore their fears, but we build their inner resources by helping them be aware of the times they are able to move beyond them. When children are faced with a challenge, we can encourage them by reminding them of all the times they have summoned courage and grown in ways that make them proud.
In their letter to other families in the class, her parents, Jenna and Richard, wrote, “The Meher Schools and its families are a very special community. We are incredibly grateful for your consideration and helping to protect her as we get closer to her cure.”
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