Intergenerational Support

“I can’t express what a help it was to me spending time with my grandparents when I was a child. It meant so much to me,” a man told me recently. At school we’ve been excited about grandparents all week, as we just held our first celebration of Grandparents Day on September 9. The get-together included the story of our school’s founding by grandmother Ivy O. Duce in 1975, as well as lots of lively discussion among grandparents.

Research has shown that relationships with grandparents support children and families in many ways. One of the most interesting findings has been that children benefit by learning about their grandparents’ and parents’ lives, especially if family stories include the ups and downs of people’s journeys.

Professors Marshall Duke and Robyn Fivush at Emory University explored how much children know about their grandparents’ and parents’ lives in a questionnaire called “Do You Know?” It included questions like “Do you know where your parents met?” “Do you know where your grandparents grew up?” “Do you know if there was ever an illness or something really hard that happened in your family?”

It seems counterintuitive to talk to children about difficult events in family history, but the research shows that knowledge of a family surviving hard times is a pivotal factor in children’s resilience. As children got older, this “intergenerational knowledge” bolstered children’s self-esteem. Hearing that their family had difficulties but went on in a cohesive way supported children’s confidence that they could handle challenges.

Every day I hear about disruptive events in the lives of families in our community. My heart goes out to people who have unexpected illnesses and hard experiences that cause them to think about what they value in the big picture. Knowing that family stories told at the dinner table or at family gatherings can include developmentally appropriate information about hardships actually helps children’s growth and can relieve everyone and help them feel closer as a family.

Ensuring Your Child’s Safety On Playdates

Parents often ask me questions about sending their children on playdates. Understandably, they wonder about allowing their children to go into the home of a family they don’t know well, even when the family is a member of the Meher Schools community.

The steady stream of requests to arrange playdates poses special challenges for parents. They want their children to have friends, but ensuring responsible supervision for their children is their highest priority.

Although as teachers we often discuss children’s social interests with parents, we are not in a position to evaluate the safety of situations outside of our school. It is up to parents to make sure their children are safe, even on play dates with children they have met at our school.

Still, children’s independence should be explored, ideally gradually, with parents staying visible and readily available to guide, help, and protect. I know how bewildering this challenge can be. In this mobile age when parents may not have the support of extended family nearby, making connections with others is important.

At the same time, our busy lives in a suburban environment often keep us from getting to know people in our community well. That is why we want to suggest important guidelines for responding to requests for your child to visit or stay in a friend’s home.

Playdate Guidelines

Here are some guidelines that, as a parent and as a teacher who has dealt with a wide variety of family social situations, make good sense to me:

Do not allow your child to go alone on a playdate or overnight in a home where you do not know the parents, siblings, and the environment well. No matter how delightful the invitation, the reality is you are entrusting your child to this family’s care. It makes sense to be certain you are fully aware whom your child will encounter (parents, older brothers and sisters, people who come into the home) during a visit without you present. You also need to find out who will be supervising your child while you are away. In other words, you should know the family well and feel unhesitating, comfortable, and certain about your child’s safety.

Set up playdates as family social events. Start by having a family playdate where members of your family socialize with members of the playdate family. When families get together, children aren’t pressured to venture alone into unfamiliar settings. Casual socializing with other parents also allows you to get to know family members, their lifestyles, and their home environments.

Establishing careful patterns with your children when they are first exploring independence builds a context for safety in the future. In early adolescence, requests for time away from home multiply. Using thoughtfulness and care now creates a foundation for social guidelines in the future.

Make a plan for communicating with your children when they are away from home. Don’t feel awkward about calling to speak with children at someone else’s home. You can let the host know ahead of time that you will be phoning. Make calling a condition of sending your child on a sleepover. When you do call, check in to see whether your child is happy and whether your help is needed. In addition, teach children how to call you – and encourage them to contact you if they feel uncomfortable.

Check Megan’s List online. Information on the identity and whereabouts of registered sex offenders is available by the individual’s name, city, or zip code at this internet site. Megan’s List is not intended to further punish child offenders but to provide helpful information so that parents can make informed decisions about their children’s activities, such as playdates.

In light of this, it is up to parents to learn of known child offenders. You have the ability to protect your children from unsupervised contact with people who have a known history of child sexual abuse. We recommend that you refer to Megan’s List periodically. Other valuable information about maintaining child safety is also available at the Megan’s List website.

We appreciate your willingness to join us in our ongoing concern for child safety. Thank you for considering this information carefully.

White Pony Director Susie Kohl is a member of our Child Safety Task Force. We publish this article annually at the request of the task force. Click here for a follow-up article, “Playdates Require Sensible Guidelines.”

Grandparents Celebrate Their Role

Thirty grandmothers and grandfathers gathered Monday in our first-ever event for grandparents. Titled “The Gift of Being a Grandparent,” the event was a celebration of the special role of grandparents in their grandchildren’s lives.

Participants were seated around tables in our art studio. Most of the meeting was devoted to a free-ranging discussion among tablemates of the joys and challenges of grandparenting.

Grandparents’ ‘gift’ to their grandchildren is that they have more time available to give them their undivided attention, one grandmother offered. A grandfather noted, “We’re not the decision makers, we’re ‘influencers.’ We’re in a supportive role rather than being the ‘responsible’ ones.”   

Ellen Evans, the founding principal of our school, began the session by telling the story of the school’s founding 50 years ago by a grandmother, Ivy O. Duce. As the gathering ended, Ellen (the grandmother of one of our students) commented, “This group has a tremendous amount of background and skills, and they want to share it.”

The event was co-lead by Preschool Director Susie Kohl and retired psychologist Wendy Ritchey (standing in the photos above), both grandmothers of current students. “I loved this group!” Wendy said. “It made me realize what I missed by not having grandparents in my life.”

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So many grandparents were interested in attending Monday’s event, we couldn’t accommodate them all. So we’ve scheduled another one for Tuesday, October 8. Current parents, keep an eye out for email updates.