A Sense of Entitlement

FINDING THE BALANCE between protecting children and enabling a sense of entitlement can be challenging. No one wants to raise an “entitled” child, but in our society, it isn’t easy to discern ways that might be happening. It’s natural for young children to be upset when they don’t get their way, and it can be hard to know if we are supporting their abilities to handle disappointment and understand the needs of others.

Becoming aware of these issues as a parent is important because there appears to be an emerging connection between serious depression in adolescence and young adults and being conditioned to feel that they are “entitled” and “special.” In our social-media-heavy culture, where people try to portray every aspect of their lives as perfect, a feeling of entitlement often masquerades as self-esteem and empowerment – a ticket to success. The danger, now becoming more apparent, is that a wave of “privileged” young people are becoming seriously depressed.

The causes of depression are complex, but psychologists are noting that when children have consistently been shielded and protected from disappointment, and given messages that they have to be exceptional, the normal ups and downs of life – like losing a soccer game or not doing well on a paper– can feel so enormous that life becomes overwhelming. (The perilous journey of outsized academic pressures in our area has been documented in the movie Race to Nowhere.)

The idea that over-accommodating and over-empowering children can program them for depression calls out for exploration. It’s hard to be aware of the ways we are reinforcing an expectation in children that they deserve to have all their desires and wishes fulfilled, and that they need to be treated as special.

In our school community, we try to nurture an awareness that everyone’s needs are equal and worthy of respect, and being able to handle not getting what you want or not winning the game are signs of strength and maturity. Indeed, moments of “failure” and “disappointment” can strengthen resilience, teach creative problem-solving skills, and build empathy. We teach children to find joy in trying their best rather than in the specific results of their efforts.

Incidents in which your child hurts or is disrespectful to someone offer opportunities to teach empathy and equality. Have your child ask . . .

How did my behavior affect others?

How wonderful when a parent hearing that their child hit or hurt someone verbally immediately shows compassion for the victim. It shifts everything to ask “How is the other person feeling?” rather than defending their own child’s actions. By focusing on the victim, we teach children that their words and actions have an impact, and their wants and wishes in the moment don’t override others’.

How do I feel entitled?

It’s not helpful to shame children for wanting to be first in line or for wanting their way or for acting entitled. We want to respond matter-of-factly when they demand things they can’t have and pay significant attention instead when they do show concern for others. We can also become better role models by reflecting on all the ways we demonstrate entitlement. “I should have had that parking place.”

We can all benefit for by looking for examples of those who approach the world with humility and gratitude.

(Positive) Word of the Day

DICTIONARIES URGE PEOPLE to build vocabulary, at any age, by picking a “word of the day” and finding ways to use it in various situations. Authorities advise that adjectives are the easiest to fit into conversations.

Recently a preschool class practiced this idea in a powerful new way. They selected words from the Nurtured Heart list of positive adjectives, then discussed their definitions of the words at Circle Time. All the words – including “articulate,” “truthful,” “inquisitive,” “resourceful,” “generous,” “focused,” and “enthusiastic” – have complex meanings.

Then the teachers took an extra step. They asked children if they would like to have one of the words taped to their shirts. Students enthusiastically helped choose a word. They loved having the adjective on their chest so much that they insisted on keeping the tape on even during nap time. One little boy, who sometimes finds it challenging to stay focused, kept pointing to his word and saying, “I’m attentive.”

Helping children to identify with positive attributes lies at the heart of the Nurtured Heart Approach, and much has been said in the literature about exploring this process. The exciting thing about this preschool activity is that it encourages children to identify with an attribute in a concrete way, like wearing it on their shirt.

One of the kindergarten classes has done this in a different way by associating Nurtured Heart words with a stuffed animal. Teachers look for positive events during the day that demonstrate a word like kindness, then talk at Circle Time about a time when they observed somebody demonstrating it. When they highlight the student’s act of kindness, they allow the child to hold the gentle deer “stuffie” – the class’s symbol of kindness. A bear represents strength and self-control.

Classes and families can profit from discussing the meaning of words on the long list of Nurtured Heart adjectives and finding ways, like choosing a word of the day, to understand and embody them more fully. Attached you’ll find a list of “emotionally nutritious” adjectives from the Nurtured Heart program.

Pediatritian Joins the Board

Pediatrician Gwen Hamilton joined our board of directors Sunday. She replaces psychologist Wendy Ritchey, who retired after 19 years on the board.

Gwen is a board-certified pediatrician who has practiced in the Bay Area since 1979. The mother of two of our alumnae and the grandmother of two others, she brings decades of medical experience in the community to our school.

In addition to her clinical practice, Gwen has served as medical director for California Children’s Services, a state program for children with special healthcare needs, and as medical director for a regional program for children with autism and ADHD. She has also served on the boards of the Casey Family Program, REACH—Reading Advantage, the Foundation for Autism Support and Training, and many other community organizations.

Over the years, Gwen has shared her pediatric and parenting knowledge with our teachers, students, and families, presenting talks, in-service trainings – even blowing up balloons! She has some amazing things to say about our school. She writes:

“As I was climbing those steps on the evening I picked up my two-year-old from her first day at the White Pony, I realized that, unlike before, I hadn't had a worry about her the whole day. To me, as a mother, that’s amazing. Now after growing two amazing children and two amazing grandchildren with the Amazing Meher Schools, it’s an exciting gift to be able to share my experience with the board of this amazing place – a place for our children and our community to grow knowing love.”

The School’s Leadership Structure

Our board of directors works collaboratively with our administrative team as the Strategic Leadership Team. A policy-making and strategic-planning body, the SLT sets tuitions, reviews the budget, approves salaries, and ensures that resources are used to achieve the school’s defined student learning outcomes.

The board has the responsibility of ensuring that the founding vision of the school continues to find clear expression, even as external circumstances, staffing, curriculum, and other dimensions of the school evolve. In addition to Gwen, the board includes:

• Frederick Bliss, a marriage and family therapist and Alameda County child welfare worker

• Craig Boyan, a retired public school administrator and the father of two graduates and grandfather of a current preschooler

• Pascal Kaplan, PhD, a former professor and dean of the Liberal Arts College at John F. Kenney University, founder of a pioneering social media platform, and the father of three alumni and grandfather of five

• Meg Mayer, a registered nurse and retired assistant director of the White Pony

The administrative team is responsible for the day-to-day administration of the school and provides a vehicle for collaboration between the preschool and elementary programs. It consists of Preschool Director Susie Kohl, elementary Co-Principals Vince d’Assis and Ivy Summers, and Chief Financial Officer Carol Conrad.

Wendy Ritchey had served on the board since its founding, in 2003. A semi-retired clinical psychologist, she is a former elementary school teacher and social researcher in the field of child development. (She’s also the mother of one of our graduates and the grandmother of one of our preschoolers.) Wendy may have left the board, but she’s not leaving the school. She’s taking on a new role – volunteer coordinator – which we’ll be telling you more about in the weeks to come.