Rituals to Reduce Anxiety

People often wonder how to help a child who gets nervous about going the doctor, or even anxious about going to school. Phrases like “There’s nothing to be afraid of” often don’t assuage their fears because the anxiety isn’t coming from a rational part of the brain. We can try to calm children when they’re feeing apprehensive, but one of the long-term ways we help them develop resilience – the ability to recover from setbacks and persist in spite of hardship – is by creating rituals designed to aid them in calming themselves, before, during, or after a difficult experience.

As a young person, did you develop a trick for settling your nerves before tests, like listening ahead of time to an empowering song or promising yourself a special treat afterward? Perhaps your method was taking deep breaths and imagining yourself in a safe place. Research shows that these – intentional practices, done consistently – anchor us in a feeling of security.

Rituals make everyday life predictable. Reading three books before bed. Playing a board game every Friday night. Stopping for ice cream after a soccer game. Parents of young children often have a ritual before school starts to ease separation anxiety at the classroom door – “We will have three hugs and a fist bump.”

When parents create rituals with children specifically to help alleviate anxiety, they lend their calm energy to children and provide a model for how to take care of themselves in the future. The child feels the parents’ stability as they engage in one of their rituals together – “Let’s hear our Beyonce song on the way to school!”

We are currently in a period when our schedules are disrupted by COVID and other viruses, and it’s important to try to reconstitute the rhythms of our lives and the predictable ways that make calming and connection a priority.

The power of the ritual lies in stepping out of the dailiness of life and putting our full minds and hearts, even momentarily, into the ritual activity before jumping back into life’s busy stream.

Here is an article on 10 ways to help reduce children’s anxiety.

Write Down Those Feelings

Want a trick to help children clarify, then let go of their upset feelings? Offer to write their emotions down. When a four-year-old was extremely angry that he couldn’t immediately draw with chalk on the walkway outside his classroom, he wasn’t distracted by the offer of other fun activities until he could have a turn. He kept screaming that it wasn’t fair. Instead of repeating logical reasons why it couldn’t work for him to do chalk drawing in that moment, I asked him, “Want me to write down what you are feeling?” The little boy stopped and immediately said, “Yes!”

I got paper and pen and asked, “What should I write?” He said, “I was angry that my friend was drawing and I couldn’t.” As he talked, his explanations became more clear and understandable. When he was screaming, it was assumed his upset was about having to wait, but my offering to write down his feelings allowed him to express a fuller perspective on the whole event.

The process didn’t change the fact that he couldn’t do chalk drawings at that time, but having his emotions recorded allowed him to let go of the incident. He, like most children, insisted on keeping the piece of paper that contained his words.

I have had countless experiences of writing down children’s upset feelings over the years, and it works with older children as well as preschoolers. In the midst of extreme upset, it’s hard to sort out what emotions are. Having to express feelings to someone who is trying to write them down allows the upset person to incorporate thinking into the experience and allows for more clarity.

The role of the writer is only to record the feelings, not to comment or try to problem solve, no matter how irrational the child’s perspectives on the situation sound. The deep listening required to write the feelings leaves children with the sense that they are really being heard.

As children practice talking about their emotions for someone else to record, they can get interested in writing their own feelings down, which can form the basis of journal writing, either digitally or in a paper journal. Writing in a journal, even for a few minutes a day, reduces stress at any age and helps children get to know and value themselves.

Nari Souleiman’s 6,000-Mile JourneyTo the White Pony

Some White Pony teachers begin working here directly out of college. Some have worked at other schools, or even in other fields, before discovering our school. Few, however, have arrived via a route as circuitous, or long, as that taken by Room 2 teacher Narimen (“Nari”) Souleiman. Nari’s journey began 6,230 miles away, in northern Africa, and included a year in France and three careers, including management positions at two popular Walnut Creek patisseries.

Nari (pronounced like Mary) was born in Algeria to an Algerian mother and a Palestinian father. After graduating from the National Veterinary School of Algiers, she spent a year as the chief doctor at a poultry company. She then worked as a representative for a pharmaceutical company for four years. It was in that role that she met her husband, Houssem (“Sam”), a fellow Algerian who was teaching high school math and physics in France. After they married, they stayed in France for a year.

Then, four years ago, Nari and Sam emigrated to the United States. A cousin who lives in Santa Clara inspired her to move to the Bay Area. Unable to work as a veterinarian in the U.S. without additional classwork and passing the California licensing exam, she took a job as a supervisor at Cocola Bakery in Walnut Creek. From there she was hired as manager of Brioche de Paris French bakery, also in Walnut Creek.

(Though not trained as a pastry chef, Nari loves baking. She made bradj, an Algerian seminola and date cookie, for her class as a “welcome to spring” treat in March.)

At Brioche, one of her favorite customers, a woman she calls “my angel,” asked if she had ever considered teaching and suggested that she apply at the White Pony. Though she didn’t have any formal training in early childhood education, Nari loves children and had helped raise her five nieces and nephews. She applied and was hired in June 2021.

Nari hopes to return to veterinary medicine again someday. For now, though, “I like being here. I love being with kids and playing with them. The kids and the parents and the staff – it’s a wonderful place. It makes me happy to be here.”

Room 2 teacher Katie Ulmer says Nari “is naturally a very loving teacher – it’s obvious how much she enjoys the children. She treats them as if they were children in her home. She forms positive bonds with them so they do as she asks. She also teaches the children some French and brings them fun special trains to play with!”

Nari and Sam are expecting their first child in January.