Dealing With Fears Compassionately

“I can’t get it out of my mind.”

I was surprised by how grotesque a statue in a neighbor’s yard is until I realized it’s an early glimpse of Halloween. Adults have fun in October creating decorations, often the scarier the better, in order to delight passersby. Certainly some children are drawn to scary things and find them exciting. Soon horror movies will abound on TV, and older children and some adults may enjoy them.

The fact that children can be excited by frightening images doesn’t diminish the fact that their equilibrium can be disturbed by seeing them. It can be hard for adults to recognize the signs that their child has been negatively affected by a disturbing image, especially before they can put their fear into words.

Young children suddenly become clingy or wake at night after seeing a skeleton or a scary scene in a movie. An eight-year-old who heard about a movie character from a friend had trouble falling asleep for weeks. A young adolescent with special needs who enjoys music videos was horrified by a scene of Billie Eilish when her nose suddenly poured out blood. For a child who is young, sensitive, or neurodiverse, the ripples of frightening scenes can linger. Research shows that some adults remember unsettling movies from their childhood.

What can we do? In the past, adults simply stated, “There’s nothing to be afraid of” and might shame children for being babyish. Yet now we know registering fear isn’t a sign of weakness, but of the body being triggered into high alert, and sometimes those reactions in children aren’t apparent. Our job as adults, in this age of the internet and shocking stories on the news, is to protect children.

We want to communicate understanding when children are afraid—“Many people would be scared if they saw a movie like that”—and give them tools for managing the physiological impact of fear, like taking deep breaths. We can talk about ways we try to get images out of our minds, like thinking about a happy scene, listening to music, or reading an interesting book.

When we talk to children about their fears compassionately, they can learn to be kinder to themselves and as they get older begin to identify situations and images that disturb their well-being. “I don’t like watching horror movies. They make me jittery.”

Positive self-talk can help children handle feelings of anxiety. “I don’t need to be afraid of skeletons.” That doesn’t mean they simply dismiss or repress fear. We want them to develop the ability to monitor their own responses and pay attention when a situation feels disturbing or unsafe. Paying attention to their unique way of reacting to the world is an important part of learning who they are.

Rules Make Life Predictable

“What do you think the rules of golf are?” I asked my preschool class, years ago, before a visiting parent showed them golf clubs and described how the game is played. “No hitting with the golf club!” “No pushing the other players.” We didn’t laugh at the children’s primitive ideas of proper golf decorum because they express the knowledge that agreeing on guidelines forms the basis of interacting together successfully.

Asking children for their input about what rules are needed is an important vehicle for building emotional, social, and moral development. When asked about the rules of golf, preschoolers had to imagine what it would be like to be a player and what problems might occur.

Family meetings, classroom discussions, and playground disputes are all arenas for talking about what the rules are and why. Knowing the rules and expecting people to follow them consistently makes life predictable and children feel more secure. Children need recognition for their ability to follow rules and a chance to reset themselves when they forget.

An important part of helping children to be socially savvy is aiding their understanding of what rules apply in a variety of situations. We act differently in a library than we would in a gymnasium. Expectations also sometimes vary between home and school. For example, some families enjoy roughhousing as a fun release of energy, an activity that isn’t allowed at school for safety reasons.

One of the important ways teachers and parents collaborate involves differentiating what’s okay at home and how that differs from school. Sometimes young children who have enjoyed rough-and-tumble play at home may routinely tackle their new friends at school rather than asking to play. In those cases, we may ask parents to temporarily stop rough play at home until the child is more mature.

Rules at school and at home relate to people’s feelings as well as their bodies. “We don’t allow name calling because it hurts people’s feelings.” At school we have more people’s feelings to consider, and school rules are often based on helping children become more sensitive to others. At Halloween we ask older children not to wear scary masks because it can frighten the younger children.

On an everyday basis, we don’t allow gun play at school, and children who have fun pretending to shoot at home may find it hard to understand that other children are scared by gun play or their families may be offended by hearing about it. Discussions at home should include the range of sensitivities in the school environment and the reasons for school rules.

Understanding common rules and values and respecting them is one of the ways we become a more inclusive community. We feel privileged to have many types of diversity in our community, and we encourage the discussion of and honoring of rules as a way of becoming more compassionate with each other.

Good-Bye, Miss Nancy—and Thank You!

Snack time with Miss Nancy on a warm summer afternoon

Nancy Burgess, who was a teacher at our school when we first opened our doors in 1975, has retired. In 1981 she left to teach in the public schools, coming back during the summers to work in Drama Camp, where she taught art and drama classes and helped with costumes.

When she retired in 2007, she returned to The Meher Schools, where she worked in our kindergarten and elementary aftercare programs and, most recently, in preschool aftercare. Over the years, she’s also been part of a team that makes cookies, cupcakes, and other treats for Founders Day, Halloween, and other celebrations.

“I treasure seeing the children working on their lives,” she says—“learning and growing, saying amazing things and doing amazing things.

“I’ve loved learning about the Nurtured Heart Approach. We’ve always tried to be understanding and present for the children and their needs, but Nurtured Heart gives us a systematic way to implement our best knowing.”

Nancy may be officially retired, but she’ll continue to be a presence at the White Pony. “I love children’s books and will be coming back to the classroom and keeping in touch with my former students by being a volunteer reader.”