The Power of the Pause

The ability to pause provides us with many benefits in life. Creating a space between our thought and action allows us to filter what we are going to say or do.

In the adult world, many conflicts can be averted or softened through a moment of reflection and inner redirection. Young children often don’t have that ability to self-correct. They hit each other or grab objects from someone else at lightning speed. “That’s mine!” It’s important to work with children to help them control their impulsivity in order to relate to other people successfully. “Let’s stop for one minute and ask your friend if you can play.”

In the Nurtured Heart approach, the pause (or reset) offered in a calm way is the touchstone for learning to transform one’s energy and rejoin the flow of events in a positive way. Yet taking a pause isn’t just a key to curbing natural impulsivity. When practiced repeatedly, it can be the gateway to relaxing and calming our bodies, making good decisions, and having a sense of what our internal voice advises us to do.

A pause can last a few seconds or minutes or introduce a shift to a different activity. Here are some of the ways we help the ability to pause at different ages and in different situations to become an important part of a child’s repertoire.

A child hits us. “I see you’re upset, but I can’t let you hit me. Let’s take a pause so you can use words to say what you’re feeling.”

Children are physically fighting. If they won’t stop, we have to insert ourselves between them, and simply ask them to take a pause before they go on playing. “Time to reset and play peacefully.”

A child is upset and unable to calm. “Can you stop and take a deep breath. Let’s pause for a moment and relax.”

A child is demeaning herself out loud. “Let’s pause and say some kind words about yourself. What are some things you’re good at?”

A child feels under pressure about homework. “Let’s pause and do something active, like tossing a ball for a few minutes.”

A child is stuck trying to solve a problem. “Let’s pause and see if we can think about in a different way.”

A child is trying to decide about signing up for a class or a sport. “Let’s stop and tune into what your heart is telling you.”

In The Pause Principle, author Kevin Cashman points out how fast and overstimulating the world has become and how crucial our ability to pause is. We help children by talking about the ways we pause in order to maintain our own well-being and equanimity. “I have to pause and think about that before I make a decision.”

Obstacles to Clear Communication

I was astonished recently when a teacher called across the classroom to tell me a two-year-old who was having adjustment issues had “painted a person—head, arms, legs.” I responded how advanced that was for his age, which made the busy teacher look at me quizzically. “No, no,” she said. “He didn’t draw a person on paper, he tried to paint one of his classmates.” Words often don’t convey the whole reality.

We are used to miscommunication in the adult world—the need, when there appears to be a misunderstanding, to stop and check in. “Is this what you meant?” Grown-ups don’t usually throw a tantrum because someone communicated unclearly or hit because someone doesn’t understand what they were saying.

Yet one of the most common upsets for children at every stage of development is the frustration that they aren’t being heard or understood. Yelling, tantrums, tears, and even patterns of patterns of aggression often result when attempts at communication, especially expressing an urgent need, seem to fall on deaf ears.

That’s why we count basic verbal ability as a readiness factor for preschool. The pandemic has affected language development, causing delays in many young children, especially boys, and many parents avail themselves of speech therapy as a helpful way to support communication skills.

Parents are often adept at interpreting children’s gestures and words, while teachers and other children may not understand. Parents can help by not over-interpreting children’s body language and coaching them to use words to express their wishes and needs to others.

As children get older, frustrations with communication have less to do with enunciation and more to do with vocabulary and expressing concepts. As play becomes more cooperative, it involves the ability to negotiate, establish rules, and repair misunderstandings. Sometimes others don’t agree with what we want, but being able to present ideas in an understandable way facilitates happy interaction.

Parents can help by negotiating play scenarios and establishing the rules for games at home. At every age, it’s important to empathize with children when they can’t get their ideas across and help them strategize ways to stay calm and able to keep trying. We can say, “I see you’re frustrated that I don’t understand what you’re saying. Can you say it more slowly? Can you say it another way?”

We want to teach children to be compassionate with others who are struggling to make themselves understood, especially children whose first language isn’t English.

If we help children understand that misunderstandings happen to everyone and that sometimes repeating and clarifying are important aspects of communication, we help them to be more patient and empathic in their social interactions.

Mostly we want to remember to be fully present for children when they’re talking. That’s the way we demonstrate that we value their thoughts and ideas and encourage them to make efforts to articulate them.

Sorry, Rats!

Adrienne adds chili powder to the quail food, a mixture of turkey/game bird feed and dehydrated chicken egg shells she brings from home.

There are an estimated seven billion rats in the world. A number of them make their home on the wooded hillside behind the school. They are, for better or worse, a natural part of the ecosystem.

Being scavengers, rats are not particular about what they eat, but those in our neighborhood discovered quail food in the Seven Circles Garden to be a tasty and readily available feast. But no more.

Garden teacher Adrienne Wallace added chili powder to the quail food. Quail can’t taste the spiciness in chili powder, but rats do, and they want nothing to do with it. Problem solved!

Additionally, research shows that chili powder can help warm the quail in the colder months, keeping them more comfortable, and increase their egg laying during the winter. Capsaicin—the chemical that gives chili peppers their heat—can also help boost their immune system.

Along with chili powder, Adrienne added oregano, lemon balm, and yarrow—all grown and dried in the garden—to the quails’ diet to help keep them healthy.

(Rat trivia: A group of rats is called a mischief.)